Haunted

by fencingfox (ao3)

"Hey, Tom, you wanna join us for something on the holodeck tonight?" William sighs when Tom doesn't answer him. "Are you going to sulk all day? It's Halloween man, live a little!" Tom rolls over, ignoring his friend and host to continue watching the movie on his PADD. He'd been meaning to watch it for a while and Halloween, alone.... It just seems like the perfect time.

The female protagonist, Molly, is sitting in a T-shirt at her potters wheel. It spins softly as the male protagonist, Sam, walks into the open room. It's clear he'd been sleeping.

"What are you doing?" Sam asks. Molly stays focused on her work. It looks a bit like a pot to Tom.

"I felt inspired," she says like it's an ordinary thing to be playing with clay when it's clearly night outside. Tom smiles. Her tone reminds him a little of B'Elanna's when she's extremely focused on something.

William snatches the PADD from his hand, ripping the earbud socket from its port. The movie pauses. Tom looks up at William. He looks angry. He reluctantly sits up in bed, and pulls the earbuds from his ears. Since it's Halloween and he's feeling childish, he crosses his arms and pouts a little. William notices the title. He groans.

"Seriously, Tom? Ghost?" He shakes the PADD. "You're just torturing yourself with this. Either go back or stop pouting."

"You know I can't do that."

"What? Stop pouting?" Tom glares at his friend.

"No. Go back." Tom uncrosses his hands and looks down at them, pathetic and murderous. "I'll make things worse for her than they already are." William sighs and sits on the bed next to him.

"I wasn't going to tell you," for a moment, Tom perks up thinking that William is going to tell him something—anything—about how B'Elanna is doing. "But you're a wreck." It seems William's attempt to get him to quit hiding by withholding information on B'Elanna is still in effect. Tom sinks lower in his accumulated mass of pillows.

"We could have a chance." Tom sighs. "That's what you want to tell me. Even now, somehow, after what I've done, you want to tell me that somehow B'Elanna and I could still work out?" He shakes his head and snatches the PADD back from William. "You're hallucinating." He feels William shift to get off the bed, but doesn't pay him any mind while he plugs his earbuds back in. He moves to put the ends in his ears.

"Right, I must be fuckin' trippin' to think B'Elanna still cares for you." Tom stops his motions and lowers the earbuds to his lap. William doesn't swear often.

"Maybe if you'd tell me a little about what was going on, I could decide for myself."

"You already decided!" William reels it back a little. "You left her. You left me."

"I'm back aren't I?" He feels annoyed. Does William know how hard it is to come back? No. He'd promised himself he'd never have to step foot in this city again, but he'd been down on his luck so far. No one wants a murderous pilot flying for them. He needed William's help. Just, he didn't need this help.

"For me maybe. And only because you had to. But what about her?" William seems very passionate about how his absence is affecting B'Elanna negatively. Well, Tom knows his presence would be worse. No one in their right mind would work with an engineer who associates herself with the likes of him. It's just fact. Tom lets his silence speak for him. William gives an exasperated sigh and leaves. Tom returns to his movie.

He can't focus on it now. William wired him up for a fight and then just left. He could find him and agree to go to a holodeck for whatever game William wants to play. But that would require admitting defeat and apologizing. Tom isn't about to apologize to William. His mind drifts to someone he really owes an apology. Someone who is—Tom looks at the time on his PADD—studying or in a class just a few miles away. He could take the shuttle and be there in thirty minutes. Thirty minutes from holding her again. Should he? Does he even deserve it? What had William said? Live a little, right? He's not living watching this movie about dead loved ones. It'll probably make him cry if he finishes it. ....He does need a good cry. It's been ages and he feels it brewing below the surface more and more each day.

Tom stares at the movie without really watching it. He has too much to think about. After a few minutes, he turns the PADD off and sets it face down next to him. He needs to do something active. The gym...is close to the Academy. He might run into her or her friends. Is she still on the track team? They use that space for training a lot. His heart flutters as he dresses in outdoor clothes. No, he can't go to the gym.

A snack somewhere then. Only all of the best places within walking distance are near the Academy too. He'd shown her his favorite hot chocolate joint that was closer to there than the one at the mall. She could be there now, warming up from the chilly air and doing homework. His lip quirks up in a smile as he pictures her short brown hair falling to the papers and getting eraser dust in it because she's leaning close to scribble quick calculations that boggle his mind. She probably forgets she has hot chocolate and has to ask for it to be re-heated a few times. No, he can't get a snack.

He'll just have to walk the town. Tom stuffs his hands into the middle pocket of his orange hoodie. The air is cold. He braves it just long enough to pull his hood over his head. He pivots and picks the direction opposite the Academy. He doesn't have any destination in mind. He just needs the exercise. William will be happy. Plus, he's sick of crying anyhow.

It doesn't take long for him to reach the commerce center. The Academy sits mostly in the medical and park central area. But being that it's a school filled with cadets, it has to be close to a mall and its surrounding buildings. He hesitantly takes a step inside. It's nearly 1700. Cadets are probably out of classes right now and someone could recognize him. He doesn't drop his hoodie. He keeps his hands in his pocket and only looks at shops from the sides of his eyes. He doesn't want to be bothered and he doesn't want to bother anyone else.

The mall has every shop anyone could ever think of. He passes the Halloween supply store. It has all sorts of Halloween costumes and gimmick toys. One store front is taken over entirely by latex masks. They're grotesque. Some look phaser burned and others were bleeding from the openings for the eyes, mouth, and nose. He swore the blood moved. Another nearby store front has a rich wooden Ouija board displayed in the main window. Tom stops to stare. He wills it to tell him about B'Elanna. Predictably, nothing moves. He continues on. A lot of the clothing stores have displays for Halloween. They include fanciful costumes, themed shirts and socks, special toys or candy baskets.... The shear amount of different items is a bit overwhelming. Tom turns a corner into what he remembers being the quieter part of the mall.

There are only a few people milling around, talking respectably, or sitting down to rest. Tom starts walking to the end of the hall. He'll make a few circuits of this area and then go back. He might even finish the movie. Tom reaches the end of the hall and peers into the storefronts there. One of them is boarded up for reconstruction. There are happy faces of all races in sunglasses. The second is almost medical in nature, but it's color scheme is warm and inviting unlike the hospital's. Tom quickly glances at the sign: Say Goodbye to Yesterday. He'd forgotten this was here.

Tom draws back from the glass, debating. If he could forget about the accident, maybe he could get on with his life. That'd be doubly true if he forgot about B'Elanna. He could even be made to forget about his overbearing father. He could pursue his childhood fantasy of becoming a sailor. Memories of B'Elanna intermingle with each other in a jumbled mass. Her warm smile and the way it lights her whole face up. The way she twirled her hair when she was reading. How she always has to put her right shoe on before her left and her left glove on before her right. Her round laughter. He smiles to himself and turns away from the store front. He's going to see her today.

Tom leaves the mall in a bit of a rush. He's so excited he can barely contain himself. When he gets back to William's house, he hurries to the upstairs guest room to grab his shuttle pass and put on a navy Academy hoodie instead.

The shuttle driver gives him a concerned look when he can't quite sit still. Tom does his best to focus on sitting still. It's harder than he ever remembers. After only thirty short minutes, Tom is once again on the campus of the Academy. He takes in the fall colors and the students milling about. These had been the best years of his life. He wishes he could just live them again, to see B'Elanna the first time he's met her in the lingering snow flakes. He smiles at the memory and trots up to her dorm. He waits on the side against the brick wall, trying to look busy texting. Eventually, someone walks out of the dorm and he slips inside. He calls the elevator, heart in his throat, palms sweaty. He tucks his palms into his pocket to hopefully dry them some before hugging B'Elanna. With a shaky hand, he requests the third floor and watches the floors light up one at a time from G to 3.

The doors open. Tom steps out of the elevator and turns by memory toward her door: 323. He leans against the wall nearby, debating what to say first. It strikes him that she could be mad. Furious even. He peals himself off of the wall and moves to stand just close enough to knock. Her roommate answers. He doesn't remember her name. She looks him up and down like she had before. She crosses her arms and leans against the inside door frame.

"Sorry, we're not taking any dicks by mail today. Come by later." There's a muted laughter behind her. He tries looking around her to see B'Elanna.

"No one ordered me. Is B'Elanna here?" She looks confused.

"B'Elanna?" He says this time without sliding the first syllable.

"Oh! She left." Tom's heart sinks. He'd wanted to see her.

"When is she coming back?" The girl who'd laughed earlier comes into view. She's tall with long brown hair: not B'Elanna.

"She's not. She dropped." The new girl says. What?

"More like dropped off the face of the planet. She hasn't texted me back once this week."

"Why?"

"I don't know. She's probably busy." Tom wants to shake her.

"No, I mean why'd she drop?" He didn't do this did he? The blond roommate shrugs.

"Got too tough I guess. It's hard to pass classes if you push everyone away." Had she done that before he'd left? He didn't think so. It deepens the pit in his stomach. "...Tom right?" Tom nods.

"Yeah."

"You were dating a bit right before The Accident?" Does everyone know already? He nods. "I hope you find her. She could use a friend, I think. Bye."

"Bye." The blond roommate closes the door. Tom slinks back to the shuttle. The same driver gives him a concerned look.

"Tough day huh?"

"...Yeah. The worst." Is it really? The girlfriend he'd abandoned had abandoned him right back. If anything he had it coming. Yet it really is worse. Worse even than The Accident. He wants to cry, but he needs to wait till he gets back to his room. He should demand why William never told him this. He'd even convinced him to go back only today. Tom's chest freezes. Did William blame Tom for B'Elanna's spiral? Does B'Elanna?

Tom gets off at his stop and trudges the steps into the room. William is in the living room. He takes one look at him and can tell.

"Now you know." William delivers it somehow with critical detachment and friendly advice. Now he fucking knows what a terrible person he is. He'd never deserved B'Elanna in the first place.