Memos From Aphrodite

by Cobalt60 (ao3)

1. Recruiting furries is halted. Permanently temporarily. Refer all applicants to Section 34.
2. Drink libations can only be poured out in the kitchenette.
3. The correct answer is “proceed with the same-sex compatibility evaluation,” not “hit me with that gay shit.”
4. After the accident in the locker room, employee access to industrial hair-removing gel is limited to personal size packs only.
5. Use of the term “mystery cult” is no longer allowed in catalogs.
6. It’s not “mysterious teachings known only to the enlightened,” it’s copyrighted trade secrets. You think incurring divine displeasure is bad, try our legal department.
7. References to our product being “At least 20% hornier” are not appropriate.
8. The drones have heard some variant on the “you all look alike” joke 1883 times. It has not become funny yet.
9. Not allowed to tell people in Indoc about any sweet new video games they’re missing. Especially multiplayer ones.
10. Any necessary “Aphro” jokes have been made. That is all.
11. Any similarity between our aesthetic and IKEA’s is a coincidence. Mostly. Do not say, imply, or other intimate that we are combining facilities.
12. The Achilles/Patroclus vs. Patroclus/Achilles debate is considered CLOSED at work. Plato’s opinion is good enough for anybody.
13. The drones are NOT whispering behind people’s backs; quit spreading rumors to this effect.
14. Not allowed to attach microphones to the drones for purposes of convincing everyone that they’re whispering.
15. Just because we buy lube by the 55-gallon drum does not mean we dispense it that way.
16. Regarding workplace poetry readings: Sappho is allowed. Limericks are not.
17. Yes, Aphrodite knows what an ahegao face is. Doesn’t matter how accurate, or ironic, it is.
18. No drawing faces on the drones of any kind.
19. No writing ‘KICK ME’ on the drones, even if you’re reasonably sure they’d be into that.
20. No markers, paint, crayons, or any other art supplies around the drones, period.
21. After the “prank,” Aphrodite is suspending all access to hair remover until the culprit confesses.
22. It’s called the “visual arousal quantification database,” not the “big ol’ box of porn.”
23. There is no reward for documenting new fetishes for the indoc program.
24. There is no reward for inventing new fetishes, putting them on the internet, and then trying to add them to the database.
25. Not allowed to scrape 4chan for new material for the big ol box of porn visual arousal quantification database.
26. Rule 34 is observational, not aspirational. Our big ol’ box quantification database does not require to be updated every time some new series comes out.
27. The gluten-free chocolate pudding should always be marked with the green label. Yes, it is impossible to absorb it through your skin. But the customer is always rich.
28. Any complaining about “stupid-ass pointless richie-fuck bullshit” that our guests request will be done on the PRIVATE local network. If you don’t have access to the private network, limit your bitching to the smoke area.
29. Quit relabeling the tanks of drone slurry as “slutty.”
30. You do not recognize anyone you met at a resort while dronified. Especially if they’re famous. Doubly so if you remember they had one of the weird fetishes.
31. No making Portal references.
32. Especially around drone candidates.
33. Sticking radios playing “Still Alive” into the cells is right out.
34. “Drone bowling” is not an appropriate Friday party activity.
35. Or any other party.
36. No mimes. Or mime activities.
37. Regarding the TV show “My Little Pony” : NO.
38. All jokes about a “god-shaped hole” and “fill [me] with your spirit” have been played out and are hereby banned.
39. Just because you can invent your own religion for tax purposes, does not mean you are allowed to. Especially without notifying your goddess.
40. Not allowed to put up signs saying ‘THIS IS NOT A PLACE OF HONOR’ outside drone processing.
41. Also, ‘ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE.’
42. Quotations from Paradise Lost are fine, though.
43. “The “Dark Souls” games have been removed from all entertainment libraries.
44. Apparently, there was no such thing as temple prostitutes in antiquity, so back to the drawing board on that.
45. The Medusa Project is on hold; quit asking about its status.
46. Playing Daft Punk is forbidden at office parties.
47. Upon general appeal and reconsideration, some Daft Punk will be allowed. Abuse the privilege, however, and it’s Kenny G for a week.
48. It’s called the Impact Play Evaluation, not “percussive maintenance.”
49. No “borrowing” items from Impact Play, unless you have an approved sanitizing facility at home.
50. After employee feedback, we have reinstated the “Kinsey Pool” office weekly bet. Choose your candidate, and how much you think their actual Kinsey score will diverge from their stated score.
51. No referring to company dinners as hecatombs, regardless of what is served.
52. Repurposing traditional religious “submissiveness is good and natural” screeds into BDSM manifestos is only allowed on internal networks.
53. Regarding “Christian Domestic Discipline” and similar lifestyles...banned, because WTF.
54. Showtunes are allowed only on individual players, with headphones.
55. The drones do not need individual Fetlife profiles.
56. Or a communal one.
57. Any updates to an employee’s Fetlife profile will be made AFTER they return to normal service, regardless of what they did while dronified.
58. The official answer to “you can’t fuck away your problems” is “sex can be a therapeutic activity,” not “not with THAT attitude.”
59. Hymns to Aphrodite may only be sung outside of work hours.
60. “Findom” is not an offered category.
61. Practicing the 12-string lyre is only allowed in the soundproof rooms.
62. Anyone who wants to play the lyre, panflute, etc. publically must pass an audition.
63. The playing of failed audition recordings to indoc members is banned. We have standards.
64. No sex in the sensory deprivation pool.
65. After last week’s incident, all indoc areas are now under a “no spoiler” policy regarding ongoing TV series.
66. Remove all personal food and drink from the communal fridge before reporting to drone indoc.
67. Also, ensure auto-pay bills are on and return any library books.
68. NONE of you have power of attorney over drones; do not even intimate this.
69. Flyers for office parties should not include the word “skyclad.”
70. News channels are blocked on internal TVs for a reason.
71. Enough Cave Johnson quotes. It’s been 10 years.
72. After the “factory” incident, blueberry pie filling has been removed from the list of allowed substances. Refer any client complaints to Tier 2 Customer Service.
73. If you borrow the DDR pads from drone training, please return them. 
74. No quoting “Full Metal Jacket” around indoc participants.
75. Toga parties have been reinstated. Any complaints about historical accuracy should be sent to someone who cares.
76. Unless specified otherwise, non-dairy whipped topping is to be used for all clients.
77. Enough with Rick Astley, already.
78. No “mouse ears” on the drones (subject to revision once the Disney lawsuit ends).
79. Coming up with new brilliant ideas to get yourself mentioned in these memos is going to backfire on you. You’ve been warned.